Archive for December, 2010

December 31, 2010

Reading other blogs

So I get this email for the post a day, right. I have some time to kill and its winter so writing is on my mind. Its the cold air that makes me want to write. Honestly I just don’t want to clean the house.   I am reading through some blogs and wow there are some pretty amazing people in this world who have a great many things to say.  Most of what I read about was peoples day to day lives. How they are without a mate, in need of money to support themselves, struggling to make it through school, desperate to find a connection in one way or another, and finally just plain happy to be alive.  So what did I do in 2010 and not in any order.

I learned to play guitar a little.

I cheered my son on at Motocross

I painfully lost two friends one who died at war and another who died, I dont know why

I watched my daughter grow into a young women

I loved my husband who annoys me to know end, but I will love him forever

I dont really have anything that I accomplished. I payed my bills and kept my house. I am pretty darn proud of that.

We made it through the toughest year ever. We landed on our feet, and still managed to have a great Christmas.

Well its 7:45 on New Years Eve and we were supposed to go to a party but I like to stay at home almost always. I like to drink at home. I like to hang out at home. I just like home. The boys are leaving for motocross tomorrow so I will have the whole day to play guitar, write, yoga, go for a run and maybe go out and pick up one of my daughters friends.

New Years Eve. I have done the parties and the limos. I do love the peace and quiet of home.

December 31, 2010

Human Emotions

This wont be the first on the topic and I guess I hold the right to change my mind about everything. An expression of what I think today.

Let me just say for the record that I am a pretty shallow person. We would all like to believe that we are above the trivial but in reality we are not. Not above it. I’m racist like everyone, but i think at the moment tribal is the politically correct term. I don’t like the color yellow. I don’t care who you are sleeping with although I do love a bit of gossip.  I want to talk more than I want to listen. And just keeping it real I have no friends that I would call on in the middle of the night that would come chauffeur me home from the bar so I don’t go. I pretend to have feelings for things that I could careless about and I don’t care about most things that don’t involve me.

Me now that’s a subject of reality.  Let’s just keep the topic real. We or I think most of us are in this life for something and it is our emotions that guide the way.

Greed, I think, is one of the most profound words of all creation, not just for the sake of money. We feel greed as it relates to love, passion, hope, desire, jealousy, hate, anger, and my favorite guilt.  We want it all and a great deal of it.  I know I do.

Greedy love. I don’t want the love of the masses. I don’t want to be famous. My perception of that would require me to fit in some skinny magazine mold that just annoys me to no end  Honest, the reality is they look better than me.  Airbrush does wonders I wish I had one I’m my bathroom. Not a lie.  The truth is I want my kids to love my like a dog, unconditional. Love without boundaries, without flaw, without question. I want lots and lots of this more than all the money in the world.  People crave love. Love should be like a disease that spreads out of control yet the one emotion that can fix most situations is more like the great Depression. It sits alone by itself patiently waiting for us to come along and soak it up.

Hope. Who doesn’t live for this.  I hope someone buys me an IPad. Hell  why not, I am typing this on a touch. Honestly I hope for an IPad more than I do world peace. This is reality. I don’t wake up everyday hoping for world peace. I enjoy arguing way to much. In fact I love it.   I hope I lose 10 pounds and I hope never to find it again. I hope my next meal is better than the last one. Yes, I love to eat even if its stale cookies. I will still eat then and then feel guilty about the whole thing. Not because I might put on a pound or two but because I enjoyed every bite of that awful stale vanilla creme cookie.  I hope my kids don’t fight today and I hope the do well in life. I hope that they take care of me when I’m old and I hope I get to have grandchildren. I hope you like what your reading and tell a friends.  I hope about  a lot of things and like greed I hope more, more, more and mostly I hope for things that benefit me in some way.

Desire and passion are a great deal like hope. I desire a IPad so I wouldn’t have to type on my touch or phone. I desire enough money to pay my mortgage. I desire happiness for my family. I desire all those things I hope for which by the way is a nut shell expression. Like greed I desire what I haven’t got. Right at this very moment I desire a swipe keyboard on this touch. Desire relates to the positive as well as the negative. I desire ones happiness while I desire anothers unhappiness.  It’s just that simple desire is greed disguised

Pack your bags we are going on a guilt trip. I heard that expression years ago and have loved it ever since.  When my kids are mad at me I can make them feel guilty.  Twist thier eyes into seeing my perspective. Controll their every thought.  I’m not going to lie it’s parental love at one of it’s finest moments. Don’t pretend you don’t do it, you do.  My child wants a birthday party but times are tough and we can’t afford it. He is trying very hard to make me feel bad about his current situation but mama has arrived with suitcase in had and we are going on a guilt trip. How dare he be so selfish.  We have bills to pay. I need fuel for work. But mind you I just took yesterday off for no reason.  I suppose we are both selfish. People are just selfish by nature.  Me for not working to give him a birthday party and him for not understaning the current condition that the family faces.  Yeah, I know it was wrong to take the day off but in my defense I just wasn’t feeing work. Not much of a defense. So I give him the guilt trip and as sad as his little face is I feel a victory because I have won. I know what you are thinking… this makes me a real jerk and quite frankly thats fine because I would rather he feel bad than me. Human nature I ask my self. I suppose in a good many ways it is. As humans we always want to come out on top. We always want to be the winner. Second place is the first loser after all.  The truth is this I would have rather spent the money on a new guitar for me than have a birthday party for him. At some point in time I will write just how I feel about social gathering. Don’t be fool though I do so much for that kid and as these tales unfold you will soon, maybe, possibly agree with me.

So, greed.  It is the cog, the wheel, the machine that drives each and every one of us. More importantly it drives me. I greed for more of everything from coffee to love to the monetary like an Ipad or a new guitar. Left handed by the way.

December 30, 2010

Would I regret dying

Today is one of our friends funeral. He was 22 years old and a great but troubled kid. The way I saw him was with nothing but kindness, a golden soul in a black pit. I realize that with this many people on the planet a few are going to get dealt a screwed up hand. My thought here isn’t so much about him but rather about my son. He is 10. Justin made a huge impression on my son. We live in Southern California and when my son turned five we bought him a Crf50. The desert was the place to be and we would go every weekend.  Justin would come with us from time to time. He would hang out for the parties and ride the next day, but here’s the thing he never took his eyes off my kid. He was always there for him when he would crash, needed help starting the bike , or got that little bike stuck in the sand. Justin gave him guidance, a helping hand. A strong voice that didn’t belong to my sons parents. I remember those moments. I’m not going to lie I really miss them but time keeps moving, which by the way sucks.  The smile on his face  and the warmth in his heart. I remember very fondly the drinking times to. His laughter is unforgettable.

My son wants to go to a funeral. I was shocked when he told me. He’s 10 after all and I just didn’t even think he would. I only mentioned that it was today. He wanted to go though and this was all his thought.  All this make me feel accomplished. I have made it to the big top right now. Its not the last lesson that he will ever learn in life but its a good one. Compassion is a virtue. His compassion towards the family and wanting to be there in a time of need.  To tell the family thank you for all the good times he had with Justin and all the times he will miss because Joe is gone.  To be ten and want to sit in a church instead of being at home riding a skateboard with his friends. I must say that is very unselfish of him. As a parent you want to be proud of your children. Well this is a moment that will match the stars in the sky.

Today I would not regret dying. Nope not at all.

December 30, 2010

Who am I

suppose I am not much different than you. I wake up everyday and like you have some coffee, bathroom and think. Mostly though I think about the last eight hours that I have been sleeping and how fast they have gone by. Sleeping hours go so much quicker than waking hours.  I wonder what I have missed; who was awake and of course what they were doing.  Half way around the world people are out shopping, getting fuel for their cars, tending to a newborn and sleeping. We are all moving at the same rate of speed. I wounder if I had died in my sleep what my final thought would have been. I dont dream very often. They say you do but I never remember them. So the final thought is just a wish that I would have had a profound thought that will leave its mark on the world, but more important than that it will leave a make on the people that I love the most.

The title

Would I regret dying. I dont know but one day about 2 years ago I started to ponder this very thought. I started writing what I thought would be a 2 maybe 3 page essay. Much bigger than that. Some where along the way I go sidetracked as I often do in my writing. I love to write but it is to often that it is not a priority. My daughter found the pages in my laptop and begged me to continue on the subject. She said she cried when I wrote about her. This was three weeks ago and here I am today.  I make no commitment here. I honestly dont know how long it will be before I get distracted. This will be nothing more than a shot in the dark.  I dare say it may not even be profound, so just my thoughts and how they may or sometimes may not relate to dying. I would be lying if I did not say that the 2 deaths that have affected my life recently did not have great bearing on making the decision to put finger to keyboard.

Two deaths and a bottle of whiskey.  That pretty much sums up dying for me as it relates to the living.  I am not sure how I am going to feel when someone very close to me dies and I dare not belittle anyone elses feeling on the matter. The sentiment here is going to shallow to some if not most.  Life is for the living as well as funerals.  The very concept of funerals is so that the living can have closure. (Closure, to let something go – to move on when honestly I dont want to let my friends go. I dont want to forget the imprint that they made on my life.  I refuse to go to a funeral. Everybody is always so sad a tells just how wonderful the person was when in reality that is a blatent lie because just the other day they were telling me what a jerk etc they were.)  Its a tradition of some sort, funerals, and I know that historically I should research the topic before I open my mouth but that would have no bearing on my opinion.  In a nut shell, whiskey is to drown our sorrows but really I just like the taste of it and its always welcome to have a reason to drink. Death is a natural part of life and life or better said time continues to move forward with or with out people. So my question to myself in light of these two deaths is why sit in sorrow when I could take there memories with me on my continuing journey to live.  Well thats profound but if you have ever broken up with a mate you know there is nothing better than a pint of ice cream and some cozy jammies to cure your pain.  Analyzing this whole breaking up with a mate thing. Well they are still living and there is potential to run into to them while purchasing another pint to drown your sorrows.  I would love to run into my deceased friend while purchasing another bottle of whiskey but highly unlikely that it will happen although the delusions from the alcohol may make it so.  Death has a way of creeping into all of our days in one way or another. Intertwined with the very breath we take. It is an emotion that we become aquainted with when we are very young. Would I regret dying.