Posts tagged ‘2011’

May 30, 2011

Memorial Day

I never really think to much about this. As it turns out it’s just another day off, although today I chose to come into work. It’s the first time I have worked this particular holiday in eight years.

As always I sat on my front porch drinking coffee with my husband, reading emails, playing words with friends, checking groupon. The usual stuff. Not thinking anything about the day. It just a day. Then…….my iPad started beeping with all the site subscriptions I have. Everyone was writing about Memorial day in one way or another.

The lives that have been lost; the lives that have been forgotten. The injured. The found. Every life has a value to someone. Every person has been loved. Everyone gone remembered in some way by someone.

I work with Marines. I have lost friends, and acquaintances to war. I remember them often. The smile on their faces. The sound of their voice. The kindness in their hearts. The things they loved to do with their free time: skydiving, sailing, rock climbing, biking, etc. They are all amazing men.

At work guys don’t speak of the war much. I never really ask. Their home. There with family and the war is in the past, although I hear my share of stories.  Most are amazing and totally different than what you hear in mass media. It makes you wonder, so I no longer watch stories about the war.  The Marines are proud and I am proud of them.

I have meet boys who are now men that have lost their sight, their arms, their legs, the normal mental state. I used to feel sorry for them. I don’t anymore. They are proud of their misfortune. Proud of the job they have done. Willing to do it again without regret.

I don’t think about all I am grateful for everyday. I should. We have many freedoms that others don’t.  I should be more grateful. It’s a shame we need a day to celebrate the one who sacrificed. Those who have lost their lives for our benefit. Those who have sacrificed their lives for the ones they love. The country they love. It’s a shame that as a people we forget. We get so involved with the day to day we simply don’t have the time to remember. At the very least we have today.

In loving memory of my friend.

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May 19, 2011

Blogs I like

Listed below are some of the blogs that I have found either because they stopped by, been featured or I just stumbled upon then.  no matter how I got to them they made an impression on me. I noticed a couple are about writing which of course I could use help with. Others are about life in general and I certainly can relate.

Hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

  1. http://nolongercensored.wordpress.com
  2. http://splodinpandas.wordpress.com
  3. http://www.jessicaschmeidler.com
  4. http://malindaessex.wordpress.com
  5. http://serialswooper.com/
  6. http://mollylouckswrites.com
  7. http://katemorrisonwrites.com
  8. http://fromfacttofiction.wordpress.com
  9. http://butchdean.wordpress.com
  10. http://michaelestep.wordpress.com
  11. http://changingmoods.wordpress.com
May 18, 2011

The morning

What hour of the day would you like to spend the rest of your life?

The answer is simple for me. The first hour when I wake up. I open my eyes, scurry down the stairs to have a cup of coffee on the front porch with my husband no matter how cold or hot it is. My feet are always bare and the freshness of the day is new and untainted. Everything is in place my guitars by my desk, my treadmill down stairs, and my iPad in hand. Its a new beginning. A fresh start to all the crap that happened the day before. You can do a whole bunch of things in that hour or you can just enjoy your coffee. Either way I love waking up and not because I’m not dead but because its like a new life. Its new, fresh, never happened before except for yesterday. It cant be explained. It just is. A moment that repeats itself over and over and over. Never changing and never the same. Its the little things like the amount of sugar in your coffee or the cup in your hand that makes it different. Amazing I just have no words for it. The rest of the day is always tainted with responsibility. Things we don’t always want to do. People we feel obligated to be nice to and places we have to go or not go because of one thing or another. the trouble with the rest of the day is that it’s just trouble. Its complicated, messy. The morning is always simple.

May 14, 2011

Schools

When we bought our house my kids were three and four, so my daughter would be stating school in the fall. I either didn’t think to at the time or didn’t care to check into the local schools. I wasn’t concerned about the districts grade point average, or the income level of families that attended. Those things are important to me now, although I’m not moving or selling my house.

Public education in California is a joke just like most state run agencies here. You can get free lunches, free bus passes, free everything if you just smear the truth a little bit. People do, and I don’t blame them because this is a tough economy to live in. California is expensive.

My daughter went to public school through fifth grade. I had complaints the whole way. The amount of teaching time that was taken away from the English speaking students to tutor and teach the none English speaking kids, even if they are illegal immigrants. The lack of homework, my daughter has been threatened, degraded, and insulted by a teacher.

The federal government says ever kid has the right to an education even if they are illegal. Ok, then teach my child Spanish in kindergarten. Instead my child has playtime while Spanish speaking get tutored in English. My daughters fifth grade teacher has tenure so he could threaten and insult the kids all he wanted to. The school board does nothing. I told her if his behavior was inappropriate to walk out and call me, she did. Still nothing was done. The school wouldn’t even put her in another class, because changing classes was against policy. My hands were tied. I took her out of the state funded public school system.

Charter schools.

I drive my kids fifteen miles one way to take them to a charter school. There first year there is almost over and it has been the best thing that ever happened to my daughter. My son could care less, school is school and he easy going so he makes friends everywhere. Now my daughter is the smart one. If her mind isn’t challenged she is a raging bitch. She fights, slams doors, is mean, won’t do anything you ask her. She’s out of control. She needs the challenge, and when she gets it she in perfect, amazing, incredible. My son on the other hand needs motocross. Without it he’s just sad. He withdrawals from the world.

It’s the end of the year and time for re-enrollment. Most of my daughters friends a going to a new charter school. She bummed. I told her I would consider it but she had to do the ground work which meant writing emails and calling the school for information. Now the charter school is sponsored by fender guitars for music and vans for the uniforms. Sounds good. The guitar lessons which are not part of the academics but rather an after school program are affordable but my daughter is not nor does she want to be a musician. I’m not sold. The tutoring programs are only available for a price, but there free at the school she attends now. Still not sold.

I don’t want to burst her bubble. I don’t want to let her down. She deserves a lot and works for it. What about science, math, English, history I asked her. You gather information on that and we will discuss it. She emailed the school a very professional letter questioning their academics. We haven’t gotten a reply and I don’t suspect we will. Her friend that is going there invited her to the orientation. She went and questionedthe teachers on the topics of academics. The blew her off. The only thing that the website talks about is farming. It’s an agricultural middle school. That’s all you get from the website besides the music after school program. My daughter came home disappointed and made the decision she didn’t want to go. She would rather make new friends than follow her current friends to a school that had no academic programs. Funny, she has the goal of taking trigonometry by the eighth grade. Im proud of her.

The lesson learned here is that not matter how beautiful the website. No matter how enticing the words like, academic, knowledge based, state certified, award winning programs are they are still words and prove nothing. I didn’t have to tell her no she came to that conclusion herself. Again I am proud of her for being the woman I know she is becoming.

May 14, 2011

Drama

Let the drama begin said the conductor to the audience. Just like that the orchestra begins and every player has their part. That’s how it goes. There is one conductor and everyone else has a role to play.

My daughter is eleven and has hit the age of drama. I consider myself lucky that she’s not the causing it. I would like to think that a healthy childhood leads to less drama. I have always told my daughter she is beautiful inside and out. She’s a little vain. I have always told her she is intelligent. Home and public schooled her. I have always kept it real. If she was being a bitch. I told her she was. If she wronged someone I made her apologize even if it was a small indiscretion. When someone was taking her lunch I made her stand up for herself. She did. When she got in a fight. I praised her for defending herself. She was in the right to do so. When her feelings were hurt we talked about it. I explained how life works and she is not now or will ever be the center of attention for everybody all the time. And, when it comes to drama I just won’t tolerate it. Jealousy, controlling, anger, bossy, you know all those things that wrap drama up in a nice little package agitate me to no end.

Now that my daughter is a little older, boys and drama are beginning to be an issue. She comes home from school and always tells me the latest. She bosses him around; he wants to break up with her; she not happy with him; he’s talking to another girl. Your getting the picture…right. We laugh about it quite a bit. My daughter always get caught in the middle between her friend and her friends new boyfriend of the week. She to is part of the orchestra.

Drama is nothing more than low self worth, self esteem, self value, however you wish to say it. I wonder how a perfectly normal, cute girl ends up this way. I could speculate that either her parents were to busy with their life or jobs to attend to her emotionally, or that they were just not educated enough on the matter to do so. Either way her she is causing drama and heartache for herself that will last a lifetime.

Being jealous and controlling is like taking flowers away from bees. You will never get any honey. The only person that suffers is you. Everybody else leaves, moves on. It defiantly sends you spiraling down further into you self loathing pit. Then where are you at. Alone in your room crying, eating ice cream which will make you fat not to mention feel that much worse about yourself. Why? Why go down that road? Don’t get me wrong it’s entertaining the daily gossip. It is.

I heard Jillian Michael’s say “Why chose failure when success is an option.” it’s a good question and applies to everything. Now I can’t stand Jillian Michaels for no other reason than I just don’t like the sound of her voice, but the statement holds true.

So the moral, why be jealous, controlling, bossy, you know. When you could just be happy. Why self loathe when you could be beautiful. Why cry when you could laugh? Why choose failure when you can be a success and not a psychological mess?

May 13, 2011

God

I’m going to venture out on a limb today and talk about God. My mom told when I was little that you don’t talk about religion or politics. I don’t. I rarely ever bring it up. Not even with my husband. Politics sends him on a rampage. He’s that guy. He listens to talk radio all day, so he is pretty well informed and has a strong opinion. I respect that, though our opinions differ on a lot of topics. Like most of us he sees the world his way, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I see the world mine, and we both agree to disagree. It keeps the peace.

God is something we both agree very strongly about. Not in the general go to church every Sunday sort of way though, and I am going to apologize right now if I offend you. Stop reading at any time.

When I was little I went to church most Sunday’s. We got dressed up and after church my mom would cook a feast. We all sat down at the table and made a picture perfect family. Nothing bad happened to me at church so it’s not where my opinion comes from. My opinion is based solely on the crazies out there.

The other day when I was at jury duty a man approached my in the parking lot. There was about a hundred people waiting to get in the building so I wasn’t intimidated. He wanted to talk to me about God. He was in his mid 20’s and was wearing a nice suit, and got one sentence out, before I went off.

First, (and I pause because I want to make sure he is listening.) you are not old enough to preach to me about god. I seriously doubt you have any worldly knowledge on the topic. With that I walked away. I’m sure he is a fine young man, but that’s the point he’s a man.

The bible is a book and like any other book it is left to ones interpretation. That’s the problem. Interpretation has lead us to war, rape, pillage, destruction, brain washing, etc. Interpretation is opinion. You have one and so do I. There is no other topic where interpretation enrages me as much as it does here.

I believe in god. I pray. What’s not to like about it. I have done the just this time god. I promise I will never do it again, until I do. It makes me human. I don’t pretend to be better than other people, I’m not. I follow the ten commandments especially the not killing people part. I try to do nice things and see other peoples side of the story. I’m a decent person I think. I might be wrong.

God is not the problem. Man is, and he’s frickin crazy, nuts, insane. I know that this may not apply to you, but it does apply to those who are. Take this war in Afghanistan, Palestine, Egypt all in the name of god. What about those catholic priests raping boys. God there to. What about the Mormons. Multiple wives, compounds, throwing young men out on the streets. God. Now I know Catholics and Mormons who are great people. In fact they are awesome and I am proud to know them. Only the nut jobs apply here, but there are enough of them to make me stay out of the churches and away from the cloth.

Who am I to judge you on your life. You have to do whats right for you. Make opinion where you have none. Follow your heart where ever it leads, but if it leads you into a church I’m not coming. When my dad retired he ran right to the church and became a pastor. He took some classes and boom he’s a pastor. Nothing wrong with that. He always wanted to go to seminary school. My grandma is the same. She’s 94 and watches the God channel all day. That’s fine. I have a client who’s a youth pastor. He’s awesome. I dig that that guy. None of this offends me, but I am not now and will never be willing to have a conversation about your interpretation of the bible. Nope never. God makes people do and say crazy things. Im not getting sucked into that.

Now that I’m thinking about I dated a guy when I was about 20. Everything was fine till he found God. We broke up. He wanted me to go to church with him every night, nope not doing it. He wanted me to take of Sunday’s from my job, nope not doing it. He turned crazy preaching all the time. I left. It’s simple. There is no other thing on this planet besides mother nature that has wrecked more havoc than mans interpretation of god. I want no part of it.

If all this means I am going to hell well then I hear they serve beer, sign me up. I don’t mean to make light of the situation. I respect your beliefs. I took a couple of classes on world religions in college. They were fascinating, and people are crazy.

May 7, 2011

Sweet sweet bitterness

     Like i have said before. I try to read my share of blogs. Your start to notice a thing or two about people. Some are happy we let those pass by without thought. They bring us happiness and we like that. There are times of sadness. We feel compelled to feel their sorrow. Bitterness, there is nothing sweet about it. it brings the need to judge, judge harshly. Why?

I am bitter because my life is not perfect. I do not have the things I want, my parents did me wrong in some way, my significant other cheated, lied, left. My kids, are always causing trouble. My job sucks. My friends are not true friends. Blah, Blah, Blah. I blame the world for my current condition.

I would like to say that I feel bad for you. That I feel your pain. Oh, I can relate, for some days just suck. I don’t feel bad for you though. I don’t feel your pain. In fact, I should not lower my expectations to yours. Honestly, I hope things get better for you, but I doubt they will with you lack of self worth or optimism, and in about five minutes I will either be gossiping about your plight or just moving on with my life. If at this point your angry then the shoe probably fit. My opinion. Im not trying to be hateful. I am trying to make a point

I would say that we do and we don’t have control of our destiny. I would say that you are the only person that can change your life. Bitterness like anger engulfs us. It take control easily. Its a whisper inside our very being that doesn’t stop talking. But what of the past: my parents beat me, my job was lousy, my husband is or was mean, controlling, cheating, my kids are on drugs, my dog bites people, I got a ticket for talking on my cell phone or speeding, All that is in the past is in the past. Leave it there. Own up to it and leave it there.

I have had a happy life. It’s still that way. There are things I do not like; things that make me angry, screaming mad. Those issues that made me feel this in the past will remain unchanged. I can not change them. I can’t go back. I have done and said things not to be proud of and memories haunt me from time to time. I feel my shame. Let it embrace and I am grateful. I am grateful I have learned a lesson. I have taken my punishment with grace and understanding. I sigh relief when the shame has passed. I know it will be back. It has a trigger that has not exceptions. It wants to judge me. I will not let it though I do not mind that it has come to visit. A reminder of all that I am today.

Life was not meant to sour, though I do believe there are tortured souls. Speaking in general we have to let go. We can prevent many things by letting go. My boyfriend cheated on me. He really hurt me. I don’t want to be hurt again. Soon as time goes you start dating again. You have nervous trust. One of many things are going to happen. One he’s a cheater to. In that case maybe you should evaluate the type of guys you like. Two, he’s not a cheater, and your wasting you time over the bitter past. The ice you lay before you is very thin. Your anxiety will drive him away. Three, and this is always possible, he may cheat on you 17 years down the road. In that case just walk away. Be happy for the great times and walk away. Why let the negative trump the positive. Why?

In any case you have control. With any past situation you have control. Your parents did you wrong in some way. It’s in the past and you have control. Your job fired you and you think it was done unfairly. Evaluate yourself be honest about your actions. You have control to change not only the situation, but yourself.

The truth hurts. It always has and always will when presented by the negative. If it is said your a loser, hateful, mean then maybe you are. Change, take control or accept who you are. It’s easy to be angry, difficult to be happy. I hear this. I don’t accept it. You shouldn’t either. Judge yourself harshly; find happiness in the day. Use the cliches; the silver lining, the kind jester. Don’t let what rightfully belongs to you be consumed by past demons.

May 3, 2011

Dear John

Dear John

I do not know your name, but that is no matter does nothing it change.  We meet only a short while ago and the impression that was made is genuine. I was excited when we met that you life offered such enthusiasm. You are dedicated and took serious the endeavors laid out before you.
This is impressive in every person, so it is not the reason I write.

It was by chance that we meet for a second conversation and like any we got to know each other a bit. I felt knowledgeable when we chatted because you took the information that I had to offer to heart.  You listened and thats a rare quality. I fear it is not one that I possess and its not for trying. I just find it hard. You are genuine on that matter and like others, i am sure, you made me feel important. I am at loss for words to say, although i must admit i admire you a great deal.

In times of times we pass people by if only for a short moment and though the impression you have made will not last a lifetime it will last long enough to put motion in place. For days now your influence has plagued me though not like a disease that i wish to be rid of. Rather you are a constant thought turning the wheels in my mind. It seems to come at the appropriate time. I needed just this very thing. I had stopped, lost sight, turned blind. You, not even a friend or an acquaintance but just a mere person walking down the same small part of the road, have shown your presence in several things i have not only written but have done.

As time passes and new arrangements are made your influence will dissipate, vanish. Should our roads continue to cross you will become the norm and not the cherished as you are now. Today though I wanted to thank you. You have made a difference. The impression is appreciated; that should not go unsaid.

Sincerely

April 30, 2011

Amazing how far we come

I have mentioned it before that my desk sits next to a window that I can look out. There is a dead tree in my backyard from years of neglect. It has become a pillar. a symbol if you will of all those things i have left set aside with no attention. For this reason I hesitate to cut it down. It has become an important part of me.

There is no themes and nothing that I wish to continually say. I do not wish to have a blog that focuses on one topic. My life doesn’t.

I am not sure that the feeling is scattered, but there are no lines drawn in my mind. There is no direction in which I feel I must go. There are many paths. I feel I must walk them all. Ok, not all of them I don’t like to travel.

I watched a man and his path was narrow. He was focused. This made him strong. He was an expert. He studied his path consistently. never, did he waiver from his goal. These became his passion. He is great at what he does. His wealth of knowledge is vast and I envy that. I wish I knew more, but don’t care to learn.

It’s difficult to be happy. I don’t mean that in a sad I need medication sort of way. Being angry is easy. Being unhappy is easy. To envy is super easy. I try very hard not to judge but even that comes easy and I don’t like you because you have what I do not.

I look at you and wish I was different. I wish I had your body, but I like mine. I wish I had your freedom. but I love my kids. I wish I had your talent, but it would be wasted on me I have so many. I for sure wish a great many things, but none come true at least not in the fairy tale way.

Maybe fairy tales do come true or at the very least 80’s movies. I have a husband who loves me more than anything. I believe in order to have a complete life you must be willing to sacrifice it for something. I would sacrifice mine for his. What is your life worth if you are not willing to give it away. My kids are amazing. My life is perfect in every single way. Every possible way. My glass is always full and over flows. Life is amazing, yet i think just as a human I am always longing for something and that’s unfortunate. I suppose we would never move forward if we didn’t, long for something that is.

I know that one day the tree which isn’t very tall, about 10 feet, will fall. Parts of it have cascaded to the ground already. It’s a palm. I don’t much care for them. I do like this dead tree though and suspect that one day it will be gone. The spot will be vacant and bare. Crazy, I will miss all that it has taught me about all I have and all I think I need or want.

January 9, 2011

Dance, Dance, Dance

It just seemed fitting to post on some of the topics I have missed: Don’t give up, Fear, oh yes an Aha moment. These three phrases speaks volumes.

Don’t give up and Losing interest.

Life is tough. You know it and I know it. Some days it totally sucks, and others are the best days of your life.  When I was very little I wanted to be a stock broker, but I knew that I would never be a mom if that was the path I chose. My final decision was to be a mom. I have never regretted that choice. I lost interest in being a stock broker. Life changed.

Being a parent is amazing and I absolutely dig my outlook on it. First, I can now talk to myself and it is perfectly acceptable. It also help to wear a bluetooth in your ear. When my kids were babies I would have whole conversations with them as I pushed them around the store. Of course they were to young to respond to my adult conversation, but I had someones undivided attention to tell my troubles to. Let me just say that talking out loud solves more problems that just keeping them locked up in your mind. A problem pondered upon is a problem unsolved. This is exactly the reason we tell our troubles to our friends, jot them down on paper.

Second, you can do anything your kids do and get away with it. Kids love to run down the isles of Costco, which is one of those buy in bulk warehouse stores. Jumping on the bed or other house furniture is great fun to. Dancing to a song you hear where ever you are. Making ridiculous faces to the people driving by. Lying in bed all day and feeling good about it. My all time favorite now that my kids are older, embarrassing them in public.

Having kids can change your life for the fun. I would never do any of these things if I didn’t have kids. It would be unacceptable. That’s just all there is to it. People would think your mad, crazy, loony. Even now that my kids are older I think out loud. They frequently ask who I am talking to and I always reply to them although there is no need for them to listen.  I have also learned that others opinions of me means little if anything at all. What’s important here is to have fun. I love acting like a kid.

Kids are naturally curious about everything around them.  My kids have gotten me to go through the mosh to catch frogs. It was a tom sawyer day pants rolled up to my knees and all. Make birds fly. Have you ever run into a crowd of birds and watched them fly away. Or laid on the beach and just let the waves wash over you. How about dancing on the coffee table.  Kids will boost your confidence to do these things. Make all your fears go away. They are totally an AHA moment.  I would have missed out on so much of life if I had not had kids.

Again still sick so Im not editing. Sorry if my thoughts Are not complete Thanks for reading