Posts tagged ‘regret’

May 7, 2011

Sweet sweet bitterness

     Like i have said before. I try to read my share of blogs. Your start to notice a thing or two about people. Some are happy we let those pass by without thought. They bring us happiness and we like that. There are times of sadness. We feel compelled to feel their sorrow. Bitterness, there is nothing sweet about it. it brings the need to judge, judge harshly. Why?

I am bitter because my life is not perfect. I do not have the things I want, my parents did me wrong in some way, my significant other cheated, lied, left. My kids, are always causing trouble. My job sucks. My friends are not true friends. Blah, Blah, Blah. I blame the world for my current condition.

I would like to say that I feel bad for you. That I feel your pain. Oh, I can relate, for some days just suck. I don’t feel bad for you though. I don’t feel your pain. In fact, I should not lower my expectations to yours. Honestly, I hope things get better for you, but I doubt they will with you lack of self worth or optimism, and in about five minutes I will either be gossiping about your plight or just moving on with my life. If at this point your angry then the shoe probably fit. My opinion. Im not trying to be hateful. I am trying to make a point

I would say that we do and we don’t have control of our destiny. I would say that you are the only person that can change your life. Bitterness like anger engulfs us. It take control easily. Its a whisper inside our very being that doesn’t stop talking. But what of the past: my parents beat me, my job was lousy, my husband is or was mean, controlling, cheating, my kids are on drugs, my dog bites people, I got a ticket for talking on my cell phone or speeding, All that is in the past is in the past. Leave it there. Own up to it and leave it there.

I have had a happy life. It’s still that way. There are things I do not like; things that make me angry, screaming mad. Those issues that made me feel this in the past will remain unchanged. I can not change them. I can’t go back. I have done and said things not to be proud of and memories haunt me from time to time. I feel my shame. Let it embrace and I am grateful. I am grateful I have learned a lesson. I have taken my punishment with grace and understanding. I sigh relief when the shame has passed. I know it will be back. It has a trigger that has not exceptions. It wants to judge me. I will not let it though I do not mind that it has come to visit. A reminder of all that I am today.

Life was not meant to sour, though I do believe there are tortured souls. Speaking in general we have to let go. We can prevent many things by letting go. My boyfriend cheated on me. He really hurt me. I don’t want to be hurt again. Soon as time goes you start dating again. You have nervous trust. One of many things are going to happen. One he’s a cheater to. In that case maybe you should evaluate the type of guys you like. Two, he’s not a cheater, and your wasting you time over the bitter past. The ice you lay before you is very thin. Your anxiety will drive him away. Three, and this is always possible, he may cheat on you 17 years down the road. In that case just walk away. Be happy for the great times and walk away. Why let the negative trump the positive. Why?

In any case you have control. With any past situation you have control. Your parents did you wrong in some way. It’s in the past and you have control. Your job fired you and you think it was done unfairly. Evaluate yourself be honest about your actions. You have control to change not only the situation, but yourself.

The truth hurts. It always has and always will when presented by the negative. If it is said your a loser, hateful, mean then maybe you are. Change, take control or accept who you are. It’s easy to be angry, difficult to be happy. I hear this. I don’t accept it. You shouldn’t either. Judge yourself harshly; find happiness in the day. Use the cliches; the silver lining, the kind jester. Don’t let what rightfully belongs to you be consumed by past demons.

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May 5, 2011

Anna

I have always written. I suppose when I was younger I wrote as a way to make sense of my life. A way to cope with my youth. When I was sad I wrote about sad things and when I was happy I wrote happy thoughts. it seemed straight forward. I don’t i ever really put much thought into it. I did it because it was something that freed my mind and potentially got rid of emotions that would have been otherwise bottled up.

The is a time of year that comes when summer is ending and the skies are turning gray that i feel a sense of sadness, a longing for something. I look for answers, for meaning. There must be something there my eyes just can’t focus on. I long for purpose. i want to understand. It is also in this moment my mind feels clear, renewed, fresh. This is my favorite time of year and it never last long enough. There is a part of me that wants to keep these feeling with me always, and a part that is relieved it is gone. It drains me. Its everything and nothing. Its all encompassing and all letting go.

I have written so much; so many words have left my pen. So many thoughts have crossed my path. Each one making me who i am now. The influences have shown through, memories have taken there proper place, emotions danced in costumes larger than life across the landscape.  Every word, every thought, every moment. Its all gone

I knew that when i moved 7 years ago from my tiny duplex in to my home i threw away everything in my garage. I didn’t open the boxes. There were lots. Books from college, papers i had written, journals i had kept. All of it gone. It was a conscience decision.  The feeling of purging the past and starting new, fresh, clean. I didn’t think twice then about letting all of it go. I don’t miss it. I don’t want it back.

There was a story. I have only written a few stories. There was one though about Anna. She was beautiful. Over the years I have seen her face, her longing, her emotions. I see her so clearly. I have kept her close. The story was short and I don’t remember the lines. She sat in the most comfortable chair, worn over the years. Laughter, happiness sorrow, they all rested with her.  A blanket nesseled by her side. Woven by her hands brought comfort. She waited, not a moment went by. The silence embraced her. There was a window, tattered curtains, that looked to the fields surrounding her tiny home. With that she is gone. The words missing.

If I had kept one thing. A story, an impression, a thought, a feeling that encompasses everything. Anna’s story would be the one. I have her with me now, though only a memory.

December 30, 2010

Would I regret dying

Today is one of our friends funeral. He was 22 years old and a great but troubled kid. The way I saw him was with nothing but kindness, a golden soul in a black pit. I realize that with this many people on the planet a few are going to get dealt a screwed up hand. My thought here isn’t so much about him but rather about my son. He is 10. Justin made a huge impression on my son. We live in Southern California and when my son turned five we bought him a Crf50. The desert was the place to be and we would go every weekend.  Justin would come with us from time to time. He would hang out for the parties and ride the next day, but here’s the thing he never took his eyes off my kid. He was always there for him when he would crash, needed help starting the bike , or got that little bike stuck in the sand. Justin gave him guidance, a helping hand. A strong voice that didn’t belong to my sons parents. I remember those moments. I’m not going to lie I really miss them but time keeps moving, which by the way sucks.  The smile on his face  and the warmth in his heart. I remember very fondly the drinking times to. His laughter is unforgettable.

My son wants to go to a funeral. I was shocked when he told me. He’s 10 after all and I just didn’t even think he would. I only mentioned that it was today. He wanted to go though and this was all his thought.  All this make me feel accomplished. I have made it to the big top right now. Its not the last lesson that he will ever learn in life but its a good one. Compassion is a virtue. His compassion towards the family and wanting to be there in a time of need.  To tell the family thank you for all the good times he had with Justin and all the times he will miss because Joe is gone.  To be ten and want to sit in a church instead of being at home riding a skateboard with his friends. I must say that is very unselfish of him. As a parent you want to be proud of your children. Well this is a moment that will match the stars in the sky.

Today I would not regret dying. Nope not at all.