Amazing how far we come

I have mentioned it before that my desk sits next to a window that I can look out. There is a dead tree in my backyard from years of neglect. It has become a pillar. a symbol if you will of all those things i have left set aside with no attention. For this reason I hesitate to cut it down. It has become an important part of me.

There is no themes and nothing that I wish to continually say. I do not wish to have a blog that focuses on one topic. My life doesn’t.

I am not sure that the feeling is scattered, but there are no lines drawn in my mind. There is no direction in which I feel I must go. There are many paths. I feel I must walk them all. Ok, not all of them I don’t like to travel.

I watched a man and his path was narrow. He was focused. This made him strong. He was an expert. He studied his path consistently. never, did he waiver from his goal. These became his passion. He is great at what he does. His wealth of knowledge is vast and I envy that. I wish I knew more, but don’t care to learn.

It’s difficult to be happy. I don’t mean that in a sad I need medication sort of way. Being angry is easy. Being unhappy is easy. To envy is super easy. I try very hard not to judge but even that comes easy and I don’t like you because you have what I do not.

I look at you and wish I was different. I wish I had your body, but I like mine. I wish I had your freedom. but I love my kids. I wish I had your talent, but it would be wasted on me I have so many. I for sure wish a great many things, but none come true at least not in the fairy tale way.

Maybe fairy tales do come true or at the very least 80’s movies. I have a husband who loves me more than anything. I believe in order to have a complete life you must be willing to sacrifice it for something. I would sacrifice mine for his. What is your life worth if you are not willing to give it away. My kids are amazing. My life is perfect in every single way. Every possible way. My glass is always full and over flows. Life is amazing, yet i think just as a human I am always longing for something and that’s unfortunate. I suppose we would never move forward if we didn’t, long for something that is.

I know that one day the tree which isn’t very tall, about 10 feet, will fall. Parts of it have cascaded to the ground already. It’s a palm. I don’t much care for them. I do like this dead tree though and suspect that one day it will be gone. The spot will be vacant and bare. Crazy, I will miss all that it has taught me about all I have and all I think I need or want.

Tree of life

The tree of life

It has been a couple of years since i was really into yoga, but the lessons have never been forgotten. Just recently a client of mine was talking about yoga I gathered that he was new to the practice but his enthusiasm inspired me. Not long after I was in a bead store and happened upon this little charm with the tree of life on it which served to heighten my inspiration.

Yoga and all it encompasses is a bit like riding a bike. You are either into it or not and you never forget the wisdom it teaches. When I was a teenage my best friends step dad was a zen master and he taught me how to count to 10 which is a simple process of clearing the mind and getting control where there was once none. Over the years i have continually practiced the process of counting to ten but am positive i have not mastered it and with no doubt never will. Breathing is another great lesson and finally there is the art of stretching and twisting your body. Even in it’s simplest form yoga is life changing.

So last night i was driving home thinking about my client of and the tree of life. It not often that someone influences me in such a way that it changes my train of thought or compels me to think. Maybe i have just never noticed it or been able to put a face to. Thats the beauty about age. We are always being enlightened. He is not the only person that has compelled me to think these days but I do believe he is the driving force for the process. So heres my thoughts.

Trees cant survive with out carbon and we cant survive without oxygen. We need each other. Our breath is there life. Like a tree we want to root. Have a family however we define that. For some its as simple as having a dog. We long for something to nurture. Something we can put our hearts into. Something we can be proud of. We long for a mate. It makes the foundation of our tree stronger. I consider myself very fortunate to have found mine and to know that the day we met.

When we look up out family history we look to trees to depict that. They are an important symbol, but as an individual, a single family, a complex definition of who we are they represent the roads we have been down. Every leaf, every breath. Tiny twigs, the influences that have scarred us, filled us with joy. Memories of all that was good and bad. Everything that remains the same and is constantly changing.

Like the passing of the calendar we get new growth, new opportunities new joy and heartache. All this defines the type of tree we are. As different as we are there are different trees. As trees can go to seed we to bring new life. As the winds blow we flex. We weather he rain; the hard times, and the crucial moments of change.

I’m not really sure what kind of tree I would be. A tree in the middle of an open field would be nice. The solitude. The peace. A tree in a forest creating a canopy for the life within would be nice. The new birth of life everyday. A tree in which a monkey hangs would be nice. The joy. The freedom. A tree in a park would be nice. The laughter the kids. I suppose any tree would do except a palm. I don’t like palms and I don’t like thorns.

Here I am back

I need to get focused here. It seems like forever since I have been back up and functioning I have been trying to do everything, making time to catch up and then on top of it all I have started a vegetable garden. I must say that I am happy with this accomplishment. With the price of veggies these days and the cost of fuel, starting a garden is ideal. I have even learned of ways to do this in containers. On top of this I am playing guitar and if I am lucky I will have barre chords down by the end of April. Ok, so what’s the deal with the writing. What’s with the lack of focus, it would only take 15 min a week and aim going to try to jump right into it. Life is good. I am happy to be in the place I am.

So back to the goals.

1 barre chords. I am not going to practice as much as I was but I am going to strive to play barre chords by the end of the

2 just keep up on my garden would be great, plus read articles pertaining to gardening

3 I am back to running so just keeping with it and running everyday. Getting into the gym at least 3 times a week

4 Write write write

That’s going to be it for now. 4 easy goals for the month.

I am doing this on an iPad so excuse the mess in typing